a collector

I am a collector. I’ve been one since I was little. I’ve collected everything under the sun from baseball cards to old shoes, from awards to old batteries. As I get older, I am realizing the things I collected don’t satisfy. These ‘things’ that I have held onto are mere objects, zapped of their magic I’ve tried to capture. Some symbolize my childhood. They make me think of times gone past… so bittersweet.

I must confess, I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately, mostly, because I’m being reminded of it through some events God has orchestrated. It’s awe inspiring to think of dying, to realize I’m going to die. To, for a moment grasp the significance of life. It causes me to realize the value of ‘things’, objects, to contemplate their worthless. It makes me realize how useless most knowledge is. Even relationships come into full view.

I am realizing that I am a relationship collector. All this time, I thought I was finally free of my addiction to collecting. Don’t misunderstand me. I love relationships. People are so interesting when you start to know them. To catch a glimpse of what the Creator made, is awe inspiring.

I think the problem with collecting, besides the mismanagement of resources, is that the collector collects with the intention of enjoying, but finds themselves rather addicted to hording instead of the enjoying. There is greed that seeps in and it drains the enjoying out, replacing it with a sludge that we drink deeply, without remorse. And then, when it sits in our bellies we ache, and ache.

I’m tried of collecting. I wish I could tell you that I won’t be collecting anymore, that I will be enjoying what I have instead. I am asking God to help me remember my priorities. If I enjoy God, that will be enough. My desire will be drown in a river of fresh water, water that will not be like the sludge I drink so daily. If I enjoy God, I will enjoy people. I will enjoy relationships. I will enjoy love. I will enjoy peace. I will enjoy patience. I will enjoy joy! I will enjoy kindness! I will enjoy faithfulness! I will enjoy gentleness! I will enjoy self-control.

Oh God, help me to live in you, to enjoy what my soul has always desired.