ties

Ties. What are they? What purpose do they serve? And why does everyone think I'm smarter when I put one on? Oh, the questionable nature of our culture! There was a time I'm sure there was a purpose to ties... maybe.

Alright, let me be honest for a minute, I may in fact be a bit biased. You see, I hate ties. Let me share a few reasons why.

i) I am matching impared. So when I put on a tie, I have to stop, look at my pants, look at my shirt, look at my pants again, look at my tie and see if it all matches!

ii) On days when I don't wear a tie, I'm able to get dressed 10 minutes faster. Why? See reason one....

iii) Ties don't clean well. When, and I do mean when I spill something on my tie it means the tie has to get "dry cleaned". Yeah, I tried using the washer once despite the tag saying otherwise, the tag is correct.

iv) Ties cost somewhere in the range of 10 bucks for a decent tie, 20 bucks for a normal tie and some guys are dumb enough to pay 30 or more for a tie! I think I could spend my money better.

v) Ties choke me. I put a tie on, and I'm sufficating. Did you know that ties that are on too tight have been linked as a cause of glaucomas?

vi) I have a nack for losing ties. Yeah, if you had 20 bucks sitting around, do you think you would loose it? I do.

vii) Ties that doctors wear have been linked to spreading disease around to other patients! So ask your doctor to not wear one.

viii) Did I mention that I am matching impared?

Now, I need to be fair to ties. There are some benefits to them.

i) Every girl's crazy about a well dressed man.

ii) Wasn't that enough? Ok, fine. When you're wearing a tie, clients think you're smarter than the guys down the hall who don't.

iii) Lawyers, Doctors, Engineers all wear ties. We got a rep to keep

iv) When I dress bad, it annoys my office-mate. He hates it when I wear my golf tie.

v) Did I mention girls go crazy for well dressed men? They want to know you can provide. A tie is a status symbol that says, "Yes, I can bring home the bacon so you can hang out with the girls while I work." I don't know why girls think working is so great. If I had the choice to not work and do something cool like painting or write music or play football with the guys heck yeah I would! Somehow some guy conned his wife into thinking that work is fun, and that he was "oppressing" her by letting her stay home while he beat his head in at work all day. That man must have really hated his wife.

That's it. Peace.